Current Mood: Pleased

Lose 20 lbs: I have a greater amount than that to lose but I’m starting with more achievable goals to begin with. I have a plan set for this and am hoping to be able to stick to it. I know I will fall off the wagon a bit with this one but I need to learn how to take a small stumble and get right back up instead of turning a stumble into a full blown fall and giving up. I’m going to be 30 soon. I need to start making my health a priority. One of the reasons I want to lose weight is definitely because I don’t find myself attractive in the least. Some women can pull off the plumper look and be smokin’ hot … I just don’t feel that I am one of those women (and yes, I understand part of that is mental and that is something else I’ll be working on). But my main reason is really for the health. I’m tired of feeling sluggish, feeling like I’m struggling to keep up with the people around me, feeling totally drained after playing with the kids I watch. I want to wear them out, not the other way around (which is a totally losing battle for even the fittest of fit people, but still…)

Physically read for at least 1 hr per day: I go through spurts with reading. There are times where I read every free chance I get for weeks. Then there are other times where I go for quite a few weeks never touching a book. Last year I got into audiobooks which I love but nothing can compare to physically reading a book. To be able to give the characters whatever voice I choose and to say any line in the matter in which I hear it in my head. I love books. I love to read. I believe that reading is a form of meditation for myself. It gives me a small span of time to escape my own world and fall into someone else’s. There are so many books out there that have sparked my interest. I definitely need to make this a priority this year.

Read some classics: Even if the story bores me to tears or I don’t understand what the hell is being said I’m going to read every word of the book(s). I’m not going to tie myself down to any set number of classics to read because that will go to hell in a handbasket. But I do commit myself to reading “some” this year. Audiobooks allowed!

Reconnecting / staying in touch: I’m horrible about getting quiet with friends. Years ago I used to share everything (via online) with friends and converse about things. Over the past few years I’ve kind of shut down completely. I stopped chatting. I stopped reaching out. I stopped opening up. There are maybe two people that I bitch to because they are safe. I know that no matter what I say I will be understood. I still don’t express 2/3 of myself though. During these past few years in doing this, I’ve let a lot of friendships fall to the wayside. It doesn’t mean that I somehow care about these friends any less though, it just means that I’ve been stuck to deep inside of my own head to be a good a friend. I plan on rectifying that this year.

Meeting friends: I have a handful of online friends that live somewhat near me (within a 5 hour drive or less). If I have extra money for fuel and a motel room or such, I’d love to actually visit with them. My stomach has started turning itself into knots just at the thought of it but I need to get over my nerves and stop letting that ruin great moments that I could be having. So this year I’d love the chance to be able to meet some friends that I’ve spent years talking to.

Getting my head straight: I’ve been getting closer and closer to having a full-on break down and that scares me. I’ve been in a depression-like state for quite some time now but the death of my father has set me on a downward spiral. It’s something I just can’t shake. I have an appointment to see about getting a new therapist but that isn’t until the middle of February. So for the time being I’m attempting all these “resolutions” in the hopes that they will help to give me something to focus on and give me something positive to work for. As I said before, I’m turning 30 this year. I need to go into this next decade of my life completely different than how I’ve spent the last 10 years. This year is about myself. Tearing myself down to rebuild myself properly.

Be more social: I used to have weekly “playdates” with my friend Steff which basically just means that one day a week I go over to her house and pretty much spend the day with her & her kids doing absolutely nothing really. It’s like being back in high school when you’d just go to a friend’s house and hang out. We don’t do that much anymore as adults. As adults we have to make plans and have a reason for spending time with our friends. We rarely ever just “do nothing” with them. I love these playdates I have but being social drains me so much physically & emotionally. Yay for panic attacks & social anxiety (said with heavy sarcasm). Since moving back I’ve come up with more & more frequent excuses to not go to these playdates. I’m going to work on setting a specific day and not canceling unless absolutely necessary. I’m also going to work on saying “yes” a lot more when invited out to places with friends & family.

Logging off the internet: I’m going to start shutting down my browser on my netbook at a reasonable time. I say netbook because it ties me down to one spot for hours at a time. I log on and then I’m stuck on here for what seems like forever. I’m awake until 4am playing stupid games and jumping from one meaningless site to the next. Lately it’s been 5am, then 6am and most recently 7am. I have no life most of the time so I find it much easier to hide out if I’m occupied 24/7 which then perpetuates the cycle of having no life. If I get bored enough maybe I’ll feel like my only choice is to go out and see this thing that everyone calls “The World” and actually become a part of it. Again, I say my netbook NOT my iPod Touch. I don’t feel like the iPod weighs me down and interferes with my daily living. With that I can pop in on an app, check out what’s going on and close it. I don’t get trapped in the “web surfing” like I do with a full blown laptop at my service. I’m actually excited about this. Maybe I’ll start getting so bored I’ll actually sleep at night *gasp* One can dream, right?

Filed under: Life, event: new year, life: personal, life: resolutions | Post a comment

Anyone who knows me knows that a huge part of my life has been surrounded by my father … or my lack of one to be precise. It’s an imprint that was left upon me as a young child and has stayed with me all through my life. I’ve never been able to shake the fact that I was not wanted and was so easily abandoned by my father. I’ve tried my best to put him out of my mind, to pretend that he didn’t exist. I tried to tell myself that I was better off without him and he didn’t deserve me anyways. I would say things in my head, blame him for so many things wrong in my life. But I always harbored a hope inside me that one day he would want to know me. Would want to contact me. I always hoped that I’d have that one day to just ask him “Why?” or just put the past behind us and get to know him as an equal … or something. Last night I lost my hope and I don’t know how to come to terms with that.

My half-brother reached out to me last night. His mother just now told him that he has half-siblings out there. I was so excited to hear from him. I tried contacting him a few years ago under the impression that he already knew about me. I was wrong and he was only 16, so he chalked it up to some strange person messing with him. But last night he was told the truth and he is actually happy to learn he has sisters. But then he told me that our father died the previous night (Aug 5, 2010). He had a heart attack. It was as if someone punched me in the gut. I couldn’t speak. I broke down on the bathroom floor. And all the time I was crying I was also yelling at myself internally because I don’t know this man, not really. I feel as though I’m not supposed to grieve. Like it’s somehow wrong. But I also feel like I’ve lost something that I’ve grasped onto for 20+ years. That hope that I held on to so tightly was ripped out of me and I had no say in the matter. I will never get the conversation I so wanted. I will never get to look in my father’s eyes and see if he regrets what happened. I will never get to ask him and try to understand why he removed himself from my life. I’ll never get to know if I was ever even thought of by him throughout his life. I will never get the one thing I so very much have needed all my life: a hug from my father.

The last time I saw him I was about 5 years old. I have exactly three memories of my father to carry with me the rest of my life and 0 hope of ever making more. I don’t know how to bury the what-ifs and the could’ve-beens. I don’t know how to take my wishes and let them go. How do you move on when you don’t have anything to move on from or to? I’m honestly a jumble of emotions and I can’t compartmentalize them like I want. I can’t think back on the good times and be glad that I have all the memories to remember him by because I don’t have those. I have nothing and it’s eating me up inside.

All I want right now is to have him back so I can I have the chance to love him & not hold resentment towards him. I just want my dad and I’ll never get that.

R.I.P Michael DeWayne Jago, Sr.

I may not have gotten the chance to tell you, but you were loved by me.

Hopefully through getting to know my brother I will be able to get to know you.

You are missed.

Filed under: Life, emotions: grieve, emotions: hope, life: loss, people: dad, people: half-brother | Post a comment

Current Mood: Displeased & Flirtatious & Frustrated & Sad & Worried

I need to blog.

Filed under: Life, insecurity | Post a comment

Current Mood: Pleased & Sad

Random vid clips from my last day watching for each family :’(

I have watched many cute & beautiful babies and I don’t think I’m being biased in the least when I say that Caden is the most beautiful baby I’ve ever watched. He’s just like the perfect little Gerber model or something. Can’t wait to see if he ends up looking like a carbon copy of his gorgeous brothers or if he’ll look more like his handsome oldest brother. Ah, it kills me knowing that I’m leaving before he’s old enough for me to make a lasting impression / memory in his mind. I don’t know what’s worse though because I’m going to be a wreck saying goodbye to Cameron & Colin tomorrow night also since they will actually remember me (I hope) and semi-understand that I’m leaving. Gah, I get way too invested in the kids that I care for.

I’m going to miss all 6 of these boys … plus the others that I have watched over the years.

Read more…

Filed under: Life, event: leaving, people: C boys, people: twins&cj, video: personal | 1 Comment

Current Mood: Oh Noes

• Had found a home for the kitties but told them to take them on a trial run to see how it goes. The cats never warmed up to the family (mainly because of the kids) so for the past 3 Saturdays they have been telling me they would drop them back off, yet never showed. They did finally turn up this past weekend and I am glad to have them back, even if just for a small amout of time. Two main problems now though: 1) I now have less than two weeks to find them a new home & 2) the family returned my cats back to me … with FLEAS!! First off, they haven’t had fleas since the first day I brought them home when they were a few weeks old; so that alone pisses me off. Secondly, I cant in good conscience find a home for them while they are flea infested. So I can’t put an ad out for them until I’m sure the fleas are all gone, which puts me at about a week to find them a home *watches both cats scratch themselves at this very moment* Oh and not mention the money that this sets me back by also due to having to by sprays and shampoos which are so not cheap! *heavy sigh*

• I did finally work up enough courage (yes, courage) to get my stuff on Craigslist. I procrastinated so long not because of it being hard to part with my furniture –because honestly, I’m loving getting rid of stuff; it’s freeing– but because I knew I’d have to reply to phone calls and speak with strangers and grow a backbone when it came to pricing. I’m the type of person who will say “Such and such is $20″ and the person will ask if they can get it for a buck and I’ll say “Umm … yeah, sure, that’s fine.” I’ve done pretty good though. Priced higher than I wanted, that way I didn’t get suckered when I’d go down by a few dollars for them. Hopefully, this pace keeps up. I sold some shelves to this one guy and HOT DAMN, was he ever cute! I wanted to pack him up in my car and take him to Cali with me ;)

• Tomorrow begins the yard / moving sale that I am in nowhere prepared for. I have a closet jam packed to the ceiling with things to be sold but I have yet to go through it all, sort it out and all that other stuff most do way ahead of time. It’s almost midnight and I really need to get a move on that … right after this blog.

(OMG! I love the cats, really I do, but this walking across the keyboard to get to me stuff is really starting to irk me! *slow breaths*)

• I’m hoping we do good with the yard sale tomorrow because I found out yesterday that if my utility bills aren’t fully paid when I move out of these apartments then the manager is responsible for footing that bill. I was under the impression that once I close my account, I’ll still owe money and get bills and junk but that it wouldn’t affect the apartment landlord. It makes no sense to me. And I’m behind on my electric by quite a bit of money so this has added much more stress. Missy says I shouldn’t let it get to me becaue there’s nothing that I can do right now but it’s not the fact that I owe this money that’s stressing me it’s that someone else is going to have to pay for something that is MY responsibility. If this is indeed the case, then I of course will be sending payments and such to the landlord over time but that definitely won’t be anytime soon. I curse the day currency was thought up. I want to go back to the trading of chickens and pigs, please and thank you.

• As if that weren’t bad enough, my car is acting up again. Two weeks left before leaving to drive across the country and my car picks NOW to start being shaky and giving me idle’ing issues. Come hell or high water, I’m getting to CA. I don’t care if I have to Fred Flintstone it, cut holes for my feet and walk the damn thing all the way there, I’m going to get there, dammit!

Now that I’ve updated this thing, I guess I have nothing else to use as an excuse not to get started on the Closet of Doom. If I don’t return, send a search party out for me, please. There’s a very good chance I could get lost in there. Wish me luck!! … (with everything)

Filed under: Life, emotion: stressed, event: yard sale, life: move, people: cats, people: landlord | 1 Comment